After 8 days of silence, I just received a voicemail from Animal Control.

I've quoted it verbatim.

"This is Dawn with City of Saint Louis Animal Control. You had a bat picked up at [our address], and I'm just calling to inform you that the bat came back negative for rabies. If you have any questions ... I mean, I'm sorry, it's a raccoon. The *raccoon* came back negative for rabies. If you have any questions, call us at [their phone number]."

Really? REALLY.

OK. First of all, I have no knowledge of anyone "picking up" anything. Secondly: doesn't picking up an animal require catching said animal first? With traps? Or bait? Or something that would be visible to the homeowner who reported the offending animal?

And let's just say it was a bat, for poops and giggles. How does Animal Control come to the conclusion that they happened to catch that *one special bat* that bit me?

Of course, the same goes for the raccoon. Where and when was this supposed bat/raccoon acquired? We've seen 4 raccoons in our yard - together. Like, at one time (in case you're reading this Dawn from Animal Control). The night after my attack a raccoon waltzed into a family BBQ at the very far end of our block - maybe a third of a mile away, stalked the family as they retreated to the house, and then clawed at the door and scared the bejesus out of their small children, who have vowed never to step foot in the yard again.

Did the bat/raccoon have a clump of tattered jeans dangling from his fangs?

Did he raise his wing/paw and say "It was me. She was listening to Paris Hilton. I couldn't take it anymore. You would have done the same."?

Did he give himself up to protect his family? Hurl himself in front of the Animal Control van, foam at the mouth and attack the front fender, then stare sadly out of the back window of the van as it disappeared down the alley, his bat/raccoon wife and children weeping inconsolably?

I have to buy a tape-recorder before calling them back. Or find a free app on iTunes.

More to come.